Shouldn’t ‘B.Y.O.B’ Also Mean ‘D.Y.O.B’?

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted something from Gene Weingarten’s Tuesday chat (“Chatological Humor”) at washingtonpost.com (mostly because I’d gotten out of the habit of reading it myself), but sometimes, readers bring up a dilemma or observation that seems worth putting to the (decidedly smaller) readership that takes the time to stop by here each day. But here’s something from this week’s chat that I’d love to see other people weigh in on:

Wuntuma, N.Y.: Etiquette question: A couple (the husband is a co-worker, known for three years) is invited over to watch a football game.  He brings a six-pack of lower-tier canned beer.  Said friend puts his six-pack in the fridge, and then says, “Ooh, you have Guinness, mind if I have one to start?”  His wife then says, “That sounds good, could you grab me one too?”  There are four Guinness in total.  The husband, in response to his wife, says, “Honey, ask (host) if it’s alright with him.”

Relevant data: 1. Guinness was purchased by host for the host, and was sort of “hidden” in the fridge behind a gallon of milk.  2. The beer that was brought was, in the host’s mind, undrinkable.  3. A twelve-pack of decent bottles was purchased by the host and in the fridge as “guest beer.”  4. This was maybe the sixth or seventh time convening with these friends outside of work.

What is the acceptable course of action at this point?

Gene Weingarten: It depends.  How much did the Guinness cost, and did you have the receipt?  How much did your guests spend in gas or whatever to arrive at your house, and did they dress up especially for this occasion, incurring dry cleaning costs?

Dude — get a life.  This was the pettiest question ever received on this chat.

Well, I must also be petty, because that would’ve ticked me off, too.  And I’m surprised Weingarten – who’s usually more than willing to poke fun at any perceived social faux pas – react the way he did.  I mean, yes – you invited people over, they’re your guests, help yourselves, etc.  But if you brought over shitty beer, shouldn’t you be drinking it?  Does “upgrading” to the better beer in the fridge – especially if the gathering is more of a get-together – strike else anyone as tacky?

Or maybe this is why I live a life of seclusion and grind my teeth.  Is this a “Lighten up, Frances” situation?

Making sense of all this tipping

Have we gone a whole four months without discussing tipping? Here at Fried Rice Thoughts, it’s been one of the more popular subjects of deliberation. Most everyone has an opinion on the matter; it’s not something you can casually say you care nothing about.

Do you give 15 or 20 percent to your waiter? How much does the pizza delivery guy get? What if I pick up the pizza myself? What’s acceptable for the skycap at the airport who handles your luggage? How much do you give to the person who cuts your hair? And c’mon, do I really have to leave a tip for the barista at the coffee shop?

And now, we’re at that time of year when you have to decide who gets a holiday tip, which drives me nuts. My parents and I argued about this most every year. Do you slip some money to the paper boy? How about the mailman? Should you give an extra gift to your hairdresser?

So I was grateful for the public service the Washington Post provided in last Sunday’s edition with a feature article on tipping. Joe Heim’s piece tries its best to break everything down and cover most any situation you can think of. And washingtonpost.com hosted a chat with the author of The Itty Bitty Guide to Tipping, Stacie Krajchir. People came up with some interesting questions, and Krajchir had some opinions on gratuities which might surprise you.

Unfortunately for this blog, all this information might be the final word on the tipping debate. Or is it? No, I’m sure we’ll be faced with something – a tip jar in the most inexplicable place, a service we haven’t previously encountered, etc. – that could reopen the discussion. If so, bring it. I love talking about this stuff. It’s provocative! It’s hot button! And it’s a hell of a lot more legitimate topic than the supposed “war on Christmas.” (But please read Raging Red and Orotundity, who have written some great stuff on that very subject.)

Tipping: The debate continues

Of all the topics that I’ve written about in the 10-month run of Fried Rice Thoughts, I think the posts about tipping (“Tipping Points” and “Dear Ian“) have stoked the most entertaining debate. So when I read Steven A. Shaw’s Op-Ed piece in yesterday’s New York Times, I couldn’t resist revisiting the subject. The column was prompted by the announcement that Per Se restaurant in New York is opting instead for a flat rate/service charge (20%) attached to the bill, rather than leaving it to the customers’ discretion.

I’m sure this isn’t something that we’ll be seeing soon in every restaurant near you. Per Se is some seriously frou-frou dining, after all. Maybe I’m making the mistake of projecting a possible New York trend onto the rest of the country, but what if this became the standard, even at that corner diner where you just get coffee and eggs while you read the paper? (Okay, maybe I’m speaking for myself.) And what about coffee shops? (I’m still conflicted on tipping baristas.)

Ultimately, who does this help more? Does this ease the burden for the server or the customer? Will we enjoy our meals more if we’re not so concerned with whether or not the waiter brought another glass of water when we wanted it? Could restaurant gatherings with friends and co-workers be more enjoyable without deliberating 1) the tip and 2) who owes what? (“Well, you ordered the prime rib and two glasses of wine. I only had a Caesar salad and water.”) Or would you resent having the opportunity to express your level of satisfaction with a particular server taken away from you?

And do many of us base our tips on likability, rather than service, as is mentioned in Shaw’s column?

What about the waitstaff? Does such a policy protect them for bad tippers? Or would this take away the motivation to bust ass to do a good job, especially when you know the service charge will be evenly distributed among the restaurant staff? (The New York Post’s “Page Six” says many Per Se servers plan on quitting once the new policy is instituted.) Would waiting tables become less demanding with the knowledge that your wage won’t always be determined by the whims of a finicky customer? Is a flat rate that would increase in accordance with the bill fair enough compensation? Or does it fail to account for too many other factors, such as the size of the party or which night of the week it is?

Surely, there are some other questions and factors I’m not considering. That’s where you guys come in. Some great points have been raised (from both sides) each time the tipping issue has been raised here. And with new (and more?) readers now on board, I’m hoping we can get a wider variety of viewpoints in the comments section. (And now that I’m not so cheap, those comments won’t be going anywhere, either.) So where do you stand, waiters and consumers?

▪ Here’s a page on tipping etiquette that could be helpful, along with some interesting statistics and trivia from Marginal Revolution.

▪ But I don’t know if those are as much fun as WaiterRant, The Stained Apron, or bitterwaitress (and its Shitty Tipper Database).

▪ Speaking of the S.T.D., kottke.org raises some interesting points against it.

▪ And after two tries, I’ve finally remembered to include Mr. Pink’s thoughts on tipping from Reservoir Dogs. (Via hintofsarcasm.com)

The debut of "Dear Ian"

Matt posted this in the comments section of my last entry (veering horribly off-topic – you know better, Matthew), but I thought more people might see his question if I put it in a new post. Plus, I thought it might re-ignite the tipping debate, which got pretty interesting when I originally broached the topic. So here it is. Does our friend have a legitimate beef? Is he sticking it to the man? Should he go pick his food up instead of having it delivered?

A while back we were discussing tipping etiquitte, and I have a dilema. Here’s the deal– the chinese place I buy food from charges a $2.50 delivery fee for bringing my food to me. Now, when i first started ordering i was clueless, so i was giving the guy a $2 tip or so on my order… but then i figured i was paying an extra $4.50 on a $20 bill, and that seemed nutty to me. So the next time I called, I asked if the drivers get 100% of the fee, and the lady said yes. So ever since then, I haven’t been tipping if the $2.50 fee is more than 15% of my total bill. if my bill is higher, then i tip extra to bring it up. Am i wrong with this? I don’t want people spitting in my food, but I also dont want to pay more than i should.

Tipping points

What are some topics sure to ignite an argument among friends, colleagues, strangers, etc.? Politics? Surely. Religion? Almost certainly. Sports? Possibly. But a lot of us get into arguments about tipping. I know I have. Friendships have been strained. My mother began sending me to warm up the car (even in the summer) so she could leave a tip (or not leave a tip, perhaps) without me clucking my tongue over her shoulder. They say I leave too much, I say they’re cheapskates. But I know it’s not just me. I see you have the same arguments. I hear you bicker with your dining and drinking companions.

“15 or 20 percent? What? Only 10?”

“Dude, all they do is pour.”

“She wasn’t that great. She never even asked me if I wanted more water.”

“It’s a buffet. We get our own food.”

“I don’t get tipped at my job! And my job’s stressful as hell! Why should I tip them?”

And so on and so on. Some feel strongly about tipping for service, others feel the opposite just as passionately. Many people don’t understand how much of a waiter’s wage depends on tips. Yet plenty of us wonder where the line is drawn when we see tip jars popping up seemingly everywhere. We argue ourselves into the ground, ultimately agreeing to disagree.

More gasoline was poured on the fire in yesterday’s New York Times food section, with Julia Moskin’s piece on waiters and restaurant staffers who complain about customers all over the web on sites and blogs such as Waiter Rant, The Stained Apron, and bitterwaitress.com, home of the Shitty Tipper Database.

This reminded me of a blog I discovered over the summer (also run by Jim Romenesko) called Starbucks Gossip. If you haven’t already heard of it, there’s a bunch of stuff about Starbucks’s prominence in our culture, which is all fine and dandy. But the best entry was easily the one about tipping. The level of venom being hurled back and forth between baristas and customers will astound you. And amuse you. Maybe even frighten you. It’s addictive reading. And there’s a lot to read, man. (The page takes a while to load because of all the comments.)

The debate rages on. Here are two books on the subject: The Itty Bitty Guide to Tipping and Fodor’s FYI: How to Tip.